Looking Forward

I got back last night from a 10-day visit to the states. On my last evening there, I realized that I had no desire to return to Bogota. In fact, I was looking forward to it with dread. I knew then and there that it was time to go and I am going into survival mode: keep busy, eat right, don't look at the clock or the date too often, and do my job.

I left Andrea in Tucson not yet knowing what she will do for the next 10 weeks before I move back to the states; she mentioned that she was thinking of moving back to Bogota with me for that time, she also mentioned staying in Tucson to start a business with some friends she met while moving out of my parents' house to find her own place. I'm sure she'll decide on something soon.

The thought of leaving her again made my heart ache. I haven't felt that pain in a long time. It was more than just the pain of leaving her, it was also the worry that she will be alright. We made the decision to postpone the wedding until further notice. That may ultimately mean something or it may not mean anything. She explained that she wasn't ready to go through such a formal ceremony and, like always, I support that decision thinking that it is best for her. I understand that she's going through a difficult time (like me) but for different reasons. She's changing and she thinks this period of growth is best done in the solitude of aloneness, around no one familiar around. I don't completely know how to define that, only she does. And rather than put my foot down with selfish demands and ultimatums and impede this process, I have to step back and let her find herself. I feel very vulnerable doing this, like I'm putting it all at risk. All things being equal, I'd rather be there to help her and give her the emotional support she needs. I guess I am more worried about how everything will be when I return, after some time alone and more time apart from her. I know that when I return, it won't be the same as before, when we met, got to know each other, fell in love, and got married in Bogota. I can only hope that it's a somewhat different version of the most satisfying, most enjoyable, and most amazing time of my entire life.